Dying a slow death

3 months at iim indore. i've been institutionalised.

there is much randomness inside the system, but on the whole, it's still a bloody system which tries to restrict life.

after the end-term stress, i thought my mind would feel free sitting in that bus, looking out, watching the scenery flow by, like i've done on countless bus rides over the years... but i was like a rock. no thoughts, no emotions. it was a dream, and i was sleepwalking thru everyday. 3 days have gone by, and i have little lasting memory of what happened... for that matter, i have little lasting memory of the last 3 months.

all the randomness in the outside world feels so strange. i used to love the chaos... used to thrive on it... now it seems like a strange little thing. im not used to it anymore, iim indore is not random. i feel out of place in the outside world. there is some faint memory of my past, of how things used to be... but thats all it is, a feeble aroma of a beautiful past... i dream of the emptiness and splendour of Ladakh... the wind on my face, all the time and space in the world... the beautiful life. the free life.

my intention is not to crib... this was all known to me before i stepped in, and it was a conscious choice... but i dearly hope that the wild side of my doesn't get trampled and killed over the next two years... I only hope, that when i make that trip to Mongolia after 2 years, I'll have the open mind.

I said this about Gopal at the end of the Ladakh trip... there are some parts of us which can't die, which cant be taken away... I hope that I'm right.

Some people (like Elvis, for example :-)) get on the bus with a bottle of cola. I wonder if people are really that fond of cola at all times or if there is something that a bus does to people's heads. They sip on it happily until it goes down to the bottom bulge, by which time it's warm as piss, and coincidentally, they become generous.

Goodbye

Another friend flies out. All the memories come back, crystal clear. We just didn’t bother writing. Lost touch. I feel bad now. The walk back from IIT classes. The stimulating discussions. I’m glad he chose Physics over Engineering. To think that I sat next to him during those amazing Physics classes by Balaji makes me proud. I hope he wins the Nobel someday. I won’t see him again for years. But change is good. Time to move on. I have a lump in my throat, like the day Bhavana left. I’ll miss my friend.

Farewell, Ganesh Beedi :-)