20 September 2006

Dying a slow death

3 months at iim indore. i've been institutionalised.

there is much randomness inside the system, but on the whole, it's still a bloody system which tries to restrict life.

after the end-term stress, i thought my mind would feel free sitting in that bus, looking out, watching the scenery flow by, like i've done on countless bus rides over the years... but i was like a rock. no thoughts, no emotions. it was a dream, and i was sleepwalking thru everyday. 3 days have gone by, and i have little lasting memory of what happened... for that matter, i have little lasting memory of the last 3 months.

all the randomness in the outside world feels so strange. i used to love the chaos... used to thrive on it... now it seems like a strange little thing. im not used to it anymore, iim indore is not random. i feel out of place in the outside world. there is some faint memory of my past, of how things used to be... but thats all it is, a feeble aroma of a beautiful past... i dream of the emptiness and splendour of Ladakh... the wind on my face, all the time and space in the world... the beautiful life. the free life.

my intention is not to crib... this was all known to me before i stepped in, and it was a conscious choice... but i dearly hope that the wild side of my doesn't get trampled and killed over the next two years... I only hope, that when i make that trip to Mongolia after 2 years, I'll have the open mind.

I said this about Gopal at the end of the Ladakh trip... there are some parts of us which can't die, which cant be taken away... I hope that I'm right.


me said...

Your mind is wiser than you think. Evidently, you are adapting to the institution now, because you have to. And when the time comes, you'll adapt to the call of the wild.
It's easy, remember? :)

Sriram said...

if theres something that hasnt been crushed by 12 years of school, its that very way of thinking of yours that you're afraid of losing.. dont worry.. i'm sure you'll just come out of iim all the wiser and yet not lose any of that craziness..
if you havent realised, we havent met yet.. you live next door!!

. said...

Randomness count- 2.
You'll be with us soon.

Ajay Sharma said...

Its so easy to relate to you when you say there is some part of us which never dies!!! You are absolutely right!!!

Humans are receptive to changes. But change is constant. Every change makes our heart and brain wider and we get a whole different scenario. We even reciprocate to things and feel totally different about it!!!!